EVEN MARK TWIGHT DOESN’T TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF. DESPITE ALL THE THINGS THAT CAN UPSET THEM, FEW THINGS ON A CLIMBING TRIP ARE AS REGULAR AS YOUR EXCRETIONARY SYSTEM. AS GOOD AS THE CLIMBING MAY GO, NOTHING BEATS THE FEELING OF HAVING A SYSTEM THAT’S FLUSHING WELL AND IN GOOD CONDITION, AND NOTHING DRAINS THE FUN FROM WHAT SHOULD BE FANTASTIC WHEN YOU DON’T. GOOD RELATIONS WITH YOUR BOWELS AND RECTUM ARE A SUCCESS IN ITSELF ON A LONG CLIMBING TRIP, SO HAVING THE BASICS OF WHAT’S INVOLVED BEFORE HEADING OUT SAVES SOME AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS LATER ON.
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HAEMORRHOIDS
A JOKE WHEN YOU’RE SAFE AT HOME, NOT FUNNY AT ALL WHEN YOU’RE SUFFERING SILENTLY ON A MOUNTAIN. HAEMORRHOIDS CAN RUIN A TRIP JUST AS EFFECTIVELY AS BAD ACCLIMIZATION, POSSIBLY BEING A FACTOR INVOLVED IN MORE TRIPS NOT WORKING OUT THAN WE WILL EVER KNOW.
THE SECRET IS THEY ARE A COMMON PART OF HIGH ALTITUDE CLIMBING AND MUCH MORE EXPERIENCED THAN MANY THINK. HAVING BEEN THERE OURSELVES, IT HAS BEEN EXPLAINED TO US THAT THE SAME HORMAL MECHANISM THAT DICTATES BLOOD FLOW TO ALL VESSELS ASSOCIATED WITH CHANGES FROM ALTITUDE DICTATES THE VALVES OF THE BLOOD VESSELS OF THE RECTUM, CAUSING BLOOD THAT’S RUSHED IN TO NOT BE ABLE TO EXIT AGAIN. NOW WE CAN’T VERIFY THIS SO MAYBE IT’S NOT RIGHT – AND THERE’S PLENTY OF OTHER CAUSES FOR HAEMORRHOIDS INVOLVED – BUT THE FACT THAT ‘HIGH ALTITUDE HAEMORRHOIDS’, HAH’s, CAN COME AND GO ONCE ALTITUDE IS LOST AGAIN, SOMETIMES SKIPPING TRIPS AND SOMETIMES EVEN CURING PEOPLE OF THEM, MEANS THERE’S A LINK THERE SOMEWHERE. TO THE SUFFERER THEY WON’T CARE, JUST FIX THEM.
ALL SORTS OF METHODS EXIST FOR FIXING HAH’s THAT INCLUDE HIGHER FIBRE DIETS, TABLETS, SUPOSITORIES AND HERBS, AND ALL SEEM TO BE A BIT HIT OR MISS. WHATEVER THE FACTORS THAT CAUSE HAH’s TAKING ANYTHING IS SIMPLY NOT RELIABLE. MAYBE THEIR EFFECT IS ON THE UNDERLYING REASON IS SOUND, BUT THE ACUTE EFFECTS OF ALTITUDE SEEM TO DISRUPT THE SYSTEM ENOUGH TO OVERRIDE WHATEVER A CONCOCTIONS CLAIMS ARE BACK AT SEA LEVEL.
THERE’S ONLY ONE THING THAT RELIABLY WORKS FOR HAH’s. IT MAY NOT ADDRESS THE CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM, BUT PUSHING THEM BACK IN SO THE BODIES OWN CIRCULATION CAN RELIEVE THEM BOTH WORKS AND APPEARS TO NOT BE DAMAGING. IT’S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS; WITH CLEAN AND LUBRICATED HANDS SIMPLY AND GENTLY MANIPULATE THEM BACK INTO THE RECTUM WITH PRESSURE AND IN A RELAXED STATE SO AS NOT TO BE STRESSING THE AREA UNDER MUSCULAR TENSION. HYGEINE IS OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT, AND THE WHOLE THING TAKES ONLY A MINUTE AND CAN BE DISCRETE. FOR THE EFFECT THAT IT HAS ANY ICKYNESS IS EASILY WORTH IT.
QUICK NOTE; NEVER, EVER, USE ALCOHOL WHEN DOING THIS, ESPECIALLY IF IT’S COLD.
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PISS BOTTLES
OR MORE TO THE POINT – USING ONE. WE’VE SPEND MANY WORDS ON THE BOTTLE ITSELF BUT ACTUALLY USING IT STILL SEEMS TO ELUDE MANY BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. YOU REALLY DO WANT TO WORK THIS OUT AT HOME BEFORE HAVING TO DO IT A STORM BATTERED TENT BY HEADTORCH.
FOR THE LADIES, THE BOTTLE NEEDS TO BE PAIRED WITH A SHE WEE OR SIMILAR PRODUCT, AND IT’S NO HARDER THAN IT IS FOR THE FELLAS, IN FACT HAVING THE OPTION OF A BOTTLE WITH A SMALLER OPENING THUS PRESENTING LESS RISK OF SPILLAGE. INITIALLY YOU’LL NEED TO KNEE UP TO MAKE IT WORK, BUT GIVEN EXPERIENCE YOU CAN JUST LAY ON ONE SIDE. SOME OF THE GIRLS ON OUR TRIPS HAVE MASTERED THINGS TO THE DEGREE THERE’S NO BREAK IN THE CONVERSATION EVEN.
FOR THE FELLAS, SAME REALLY. LEARN YOUR CRAFT KNEELING UP THEN OVER TO ONE SIDE AS YOU GET BETTER AT IT. CHOICE OF BASELAYER COMES INTO IT, AND DON’T GET TOO CAVALIER TOO SOON BECAUSE TO GET IT WRONG HAS IT’S CONSEQUENCES, BUT DONE WELL IT IS A MINOR SUCCESS AND MORE THAN ONE CLIMBER HAS GONE ON TO ADOPTING IT EVEN WHEN OFF THE MOUNTAIN. WE WON’T MENTION JAMES, I MEAN NAMES.
FOR ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS IT’S STILL AN INFINITELY BETTER COURSE OF ACTION THAN LEAVING THE TENT, BUT WHEN DONE, THE AIM IS NOT TO KEEP THE PISS, AND IT’S IMPORTANT TO GET RID OF IT BEFORE IT FREEZES IN THE BOTTLE. WITH SOME TACT AND INTENTION, DON’T JUST FLING IT OUT THE DOOR, RATHER POUR IT CAREFULLY INTO A DEDICATED HOLE INTO THE SNOW SO IT CAN DRAIN AWAY AND THEN FREEZE AND BE RENDERED SAFE.
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CONSTIPATION
THANKS TO DEHYDRATION, DISRUPTED CIRCADIAN RHYTHMNS, MISSED WINDOWS OF OPPORTUNITY AND MOUNTAIN FOOD, CONSTITPATION IS SOMETHING MOST CLIMBERS WILL EXPERIENCE AT LEAST ONCE ON A TRIP. THANKS TO DIETS HIGH IN CONCOCTED SPORTS SUPPLEMENTS AS ADVOCATED BY PEOPLE LIKE STEVE HOUSE, THINGS ARE OFTEN WORSE, BUT THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHORT TERM MISSING A FEW DUMPS AND CHRONIC CONSTIPATION THAT BECOMES A REAL HEALTH ISSUE.
AVOIDING THE CONDITION IS USUALLY A MATTER OF NORMALIZING YOU SYSTEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, DRINKING ENOUGH WATER AND EATING REAL FOOD. DAILY EXERCISE HELPS A LOT BY STIRRING THE CIRCULATION, LONG HOURS ON TRANSPORT DOESN’T. THE BODY THAT IS IN MOTION TENDS TO STAY IN MOTION, SO MOVING ABOUT AND TIMING IT WITH OPPORTUNITIES TO DO THE DEED SEEMS KEY. ALWAYS HAVING A STASH OF PAPER OR TISSUES ON YOU TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHEN THE WINDOW COMES IS DE RIGEUR.
WHEN CONSTIPATION COMES IS WHEN THE URGE TO GO DRIES UP AND IT STRESSES THE SYSTEM FAST. REALLY, IT’S BEST TO DEAL WITH IT BEFORE HEADING SOMEWHERE LIKE A HIGH CAMP WHERE OPPORTUNITES ARE FEWER. LOTS OF HYDRATING, EXERCISE, BASIC FOOD, GOING EASY ON SALT AND SPORTS POWDERS AND RELAXING ASSIST, AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS, TRY AN ENEMA.
NOT AS EXTREME AS IT SOUNDS, LIKE DEALING WITH HAEMORRHOIDS, RECTAL ENEMAS DONE RIGHT ARE SIMPLE, QUICK, UNINVASIVE AND EFFECTIVE. THEY CAN BE JERRY RIGGED OUT OF A BOTTLE AND BIT OF TUBE BUT THE THINKING CLIMBER BRINGS ALONG A PROPER SET. LIKE HAEMORRHOIDS, THIS IS NOT THE STUFF OF POLITE CONVERSATION OVER A MEAL, BUT IT SOLVES A PROBLEM.
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TAKING A S#!T
GIVE OR TAKE, A 60 DAY EXPEDITION EQUATES TO 60 FECAL DEPOSITS, SO GETTING THINGS WORKED OUT IS AS FREQUENT AS MANY OTHER THINGS YOU’LL DO. IN HOTELS AND BASECAMP THINGS ARE STRAIGHTFORWARD AND MUCH LIKE AT HOME, BUT WHEN THINGS GET STEEP AND EXPOSED CAN BECOME COMPLICATED.
WHERE POSSIBLE GET THINGS DONE BEFORE HEADING OUT FOR THE DAYS CLIMBING, SOMETHING MADE EASIER WITH THE INFLUENCE OF COFFEE. TIMING THINGS SO THE EFFECTS OF CAFFEINE CAN BE CAPITALIZED ON MEANS YOU CAN GET THE DAYS DUMP BEHIND YOU SOMEWHERE WITH ROPES, A LEDGE CHOPPED AND ASSISTANCE IF NEEDED. THE USUAL METHOD IS TO TELL WHOEVER YOU’RE CLIMBING WITH BOTH FOR DISCRETION AND SAFETY, GET YOU HARNESS AND CLOTHING IN ORDER SO IT’S EASY TO MANAGE WHEN NEEDED, GET YOURSELF TO WHERE YOU CAN SQUAT BY A PROCESS OF DESCENDING, ASCENDING, CHOPPING, DIGGING AND WALKING, SECURING YOURSELF WITH A LINE AND MAYBE SOME BITS OF GEAR, PSYCHING YOURSELF UP, DOING THE DEED EITHER INTO THIN AIR OR SOMEWHERE IT CAN BE CONTAINED, THEN REVERSING THE PROCESS. IT’S VITAL TO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, AND WHERE POSSIBLE, DON’T FORGET TO ENJOY THE SCENERY.
MOUNTAINS LIKE WE CLIMB ARE SO UNVISITED THAT GOING ON THE MOUNTAIN IS STILL ACCEPTABLE WHEN A SITE IS CHOSEN THAT LETS THE FECAL MATTER BREAKDOWN BY UV EXPOSURE, FREEZE DRYING AND SNOW MOVEMENT, BUT IT’S NOT ACCEPTABLE SOMEWHERE LIKE THE ABRUZZI AND EVEN OUR OWN BASECAMPS. IN PLACES LIKE THAT THE ANSWER IS DUMPING INTO BAGS, LETTING IT FREEZE MAYBE MIXED WITH DEHYDRATING GEL OR SAWDUST, AND CARRYING IT OUT.
WHEN THINGS GET REALLY STEEP AND ‘OUTSIDE’ MEANS A SEA OF VERTICAL ROCK WITH NO MEANS TO JUST GET AWAY FROM THE TENT, THEN WAG BAGS IN A KEG OR TUBE ARE THE GO IF A ‘SPACE DUMP’ CAN’T BE RIGGED THAT LETS YOU SIMPLY GO INTO SPACE LIKE A BIRD. KEGS AND TUBES NEED TO BE SECURED AND MANAGED AND ARE NOT THE BEST PART OF AN ASCENT (NOT LEAST BECAUSE THE FOOD YOU EAT ISN’T BEING REDUCED AS WEIGHT TO CARRY), BUT THEY ARE SURPRISINGLY EASY TO MAKE WORK WITH A BIT OF PRACTICE. THE KEY HERE IS BALANCE, HAVING A WELL RIGGED KEG THAT LETS YOU SUSPEND IT IN POSITION, AND A KEG-BAG PAIRING THAT ALLOWS FOR CLEAN OPERATION. SOMETHING THAT HELPS IS HAVING THE KEG ON A LONG TRI SLING, WITH THE PAPER AND DESSICATING GEL IN A SMALL BAG RIGGED AT THE CLIP POINT. MAKE EVERYTHING FULLY RATED, AND BASICALLY YOU’RE GETTING CLOSE TO A HYBRID TOILET-SWING. WITH YOUR ETRIERS AGAINST THE ROCK, SLIPPING YOUR LEG LOOPS DOWN A BIT SO YOU CAN GET IN POSITION ISN’T HARD, AND GIVEN EXPERIENCE YOU COULD EVEN DO THIS WHILST BELAYING.
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GIVEN ALL THAT EXPEDITIONS ARE ABOUT AND ALL THAT GOES ON, THESE ARE BASIC MATTERS ALMOST EVERYONE WILL BE SUBJECTED TO SO THERE’S NO NEED TO BE SHY ABOUT THEM. KEEPING YOUR ALIMENTARY SYSTEM IN GOOD WORKING ORDER TICKS A BIG BOX IN YOUR CLIMBING DAY, AND FOR THOSE WHO SUFFER, KNOWING THERE ARE FIXES AT HAND CAN BE A RELIEF.