MONTBELL 1L FLEX WATER PACK. THE PERFECT PISS BOTTLE

THE ACID TEST OF ANY CLIMBER IS HOW THEY RESPOND TO THE SUBJECT OF PISS BOTTLES. ONLY THOSE* WHO HAVE SPENT BAD NIGHTS IN OPEN BIVYS, SWAYING PORTALEDGES, TIED IN TO CRAMPED LEDGES AND STUFFED INTO TINY TENTS KNOW THE CRITERIA TO WHICH A GOOD PISS BOTTLE MUST BE HELD, AND HOW EXCEEDINGLY DIFFICULT IT IS TO FIND ONE THAT MEETS EXPECTATIONS. LIKE A GOOD CUP, THERE IS NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR THE RIGHT ONE, AND THE IDEA OF JUST GRABBING A GATORADE BOTTLE AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT ON THE WAY OUT OF TOWN IS THE CLEAREST SIGN OF AMATEURISM THAT EXISTS IN THE SPORT.

FUNNILY ENOUGH, PISS BOTTLES AREN’T EASY TO FIND, AND UNLIKE SOPHISTICATED THINGS LIKE DOWN SUITS, TENTS, PACKS AND ICE TOOLS, CAN’T REALLY BE MADE TO SPEC. LIKE MOST CLIMBERS WE HAVE USED ALL SORTS OF THINGS OVER THE YEARS WITH VARYING SUCCESS, NEVER REALLY TICKING MORE THAN SEVEN BOXES OUT OF NINE.

THE DOWNSIDES OF AN INADEQUATE PISS BOTTLE ARE MANY, RANGING FROM BEING EASY TO SPILL, HARD TO MANHANDLE, FRAGILE, BULKY, HARD TO SEE INTO AND HARD TO CLEAN, WITH MORE THAN ONE POINT OF FAILURE RESULTING IN AN INCIDENT THAT WON’T BE FORGOTTEN. FOR SOMETHING SO INTEGRAL YOU’D THINK SOMEONE SOMEWHERE WOULD HAVE TRIED TO PERFECT ONE, WHICH IS WHAT WE SUSPECT MONTBELL HAS DONE HERE UNDER A MORE MARKETABLE NAME.

A JUGGERNAUT IN THE OUTDOOR INDUSTRY, FEW COMPANIES COVER THE BREADTH OF PRODUCTION MONTBELL DOES, OFTEN PRODUCING DESIGNS AND QUALITY THAT HIT INDUSTRY HIGH POINTS WITH THINGS LIKE SLEEPING BAGS, DOWN JACKETS, THERMAL FLASKS AND INSULATED CUPS. WHILST A BIT GEEKY AND MIDDLE-AGED, MONTBELL IS FANATICAL ABOUT DETAILS, AND WHEN THEY DO THINGS THEY DO THEM RIGHT WITH PRODUCTS YOU CAN TRUST.

THESE WATER PACKS ARE THE SMALLEST IN A RANGE OF THEM, AND SIMILAR TO THE MILLION OTHER SILICONE FLASKS THAT SATURATE THE MARKET. WHERE THEY DO WHAT OTHERS DON’T IS IN THE SHAPE AND THE LID, HAVING THE RIGHT GEOMETRY AND ERGONOMICS TO WORK AS A PISS BOTTLE.

.

WHAT THE MONTBELL 1L FLEX WATER PACK GETS RIGHT

1) SIZE – THERE’S A LAME JOKE IN HERE SOMEWHERE, BUT PISS BOTTLE NEED TO SIZE CORRECTLY TO THE ANATOMY BEING USED, ESPECIALLY FOR CRAMPED USE WHERE THINGS LIKE NALGENES ARE A NIGHTMARE AND SODA BOTTLES IMPOSSIBLE. YOU NEED GOOD CLEARANCE BUT ALSO GOOD CONTAINMENT, THIS BEING THE CLEAR PRIORITY FOR ANY PISS BOTTLE WORTH TAKING.

2) VOLUME – WITH THE TREVAILS OF HYDRATION, ALTITUDE AND CALORIE INTAKE, ANYTHING LESS THAN 750ml IS ASKING FOR TROUBLE. WHEN PISSING AT ALL IS PROCESS, HAVING TO STOP MID FLOW, EMPTY AND RESTART IS TROUBLE, WITH THE ADDED LOSS OF THE PISS ITSELF THAT IS NEEDED FOR ANALYSIS. A LITER OF BODILY FLUID TELLS YOU A LOT ABOUT YOUR CONDITION, AND MONTBELL HAVE GONE THE EXTRA MILE WITH PRINTING A MEASURE DOWN THE SIDE.

3) STRUCTURE – THE 1L FLEX PACK IS SELF STANDING WHEN EITHER FULL OF LIQUID OR AIR, AND IMPORTANTLY MAINTAINS THIS STRUCTURE BREADTH-WISE WHEN THE CONTENTS ARE POURED. SHAPED LIKE A WHISKY FLASK IT SLIDES FLAT INTO TENT POCKETS OR EVEN A POCKET, FOR USE AS A RESERVOIR OF HOT FLUID.

4) COLLAPSIBLE – MANY ARE THE INCIDENTS WHERE A SMALLER THAN EFFICABLE PISS BOTTLE OVERFLOWED, SIMPLY BECAUSE SOMETHING LARGER WAS ANNOYING TO CARRY. FOLDING FLASKS EVENTUALY GET HOLES IN THEM AND ZIPLOKS DON’T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE AFTER MORE THAN A FEW USES, AND THE OLD SKOOL NALGENE IS A WASTE OF SPACE AMONG IT’S MANY OTHER PROBLEMS IN THIS USE.

5) SEMI-TRANSPARENT – YOU NEED TO SEE THE CONTENTS, BOTH TO JUDGE THE COLOUR AND CLEANLINESS, SOMETHING ALMOST ALL SOFT FLASKS FAIL ON AS THEY ARE MADE TO RETARD BACTERIAL GROWTH BY BEING BLUE OR GREEN.

6) THE LID – PISS BOTTLE LIDS ARE MANY THINGS TO MANY PEOPLE, AND HAVE TO BE SECURE, RETAINABLE, EASY TO HANDLE AND LOW PROFILE. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE FUMBLING FOR A LOST LID WHILST BALANCING A FULL PISS BOTTLE IN A STORM LASHED TENT, LIKEWISE YOU NEED THE LID TO FALL AWAY OUT OF THE ACTION ZONE, UNLIKE THE NALGENE WHICH TENDS TO FOREVER BE IN THE WAY.

7) CLIP LOOP – DROPPING A PISS BOTTLE IS UP THERE WITH SPILLING WATER AND LOOSING BATTERIES, AND WHILST MAYBE NOT CATASTROPHIC ADDS AN UNWELCOME TWIST. AS PISS BOTTLES ARE BEST KEPT WITHIN EASY REACH CLIPPING IS OFTEN THE CHOSEN METHOD, PREVENTING BEING ROLLED ONTO, WHICH SHOULDN’T BURST IT, BUT THE PARANOIA IS ENOUGH.

8) MEASUREMENT – THE SMART ALPINIST CAREFULLY WATCHES THEIR FLUID INTAKE AND LOSS AND THIS IS WHERE IT HAPPENS.

9) ROBUST – AT ONE TIME WE LIKED THE TETRAPAK BUT IT’S MAIN FAILING WAS EVENTUALLY THEY DEGRADED, BEING MADE AFTERALL TO SELL MILK IN SUPERMARKETS NOT BE DRAGGED UP MOUNTAINS FOR WEEKS. AS A MONTBELL THING THE FLEX WATER PACKS HAVE THE QUALITY YOU’D EXPECT FROM JAPANESE, WITH A SIMPLICITY OF DESIGN THAT MEANS FEW THINGS TO GO WRONG.

.

*A NOTE ON OUR TRIPS IS THAT OFTEN WE HAVE A ‘NO TOILET’ POLICY, MEANING YOU CAN’T JUST PISS ANYWHERE. INSTEAD ALL URINE IS INTO A BOTTLE WHICH IS THEN EMPTIED SOMEWHERE CLEAN OR INTO DESSICANT, AND THEREFORE YOUR PISS BOTTLE BECOMES YOUR COMPANION LIKE YOUR GLOVES, SUNGLASSES AND BINOCULARS.