TETRA TOP PISS BOTTLES

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THE MOST JOKED ABOUT, MOST DISMISSED, MOST LEFT OUT AND MOST MISSED BIT OF GEAR ON THE ALPINISTS LIST. POSSIBLY THANKS TO THE TRAILER PARK BOYS, NO OTHER BIT OF GEAR GETS AS LITTLE RESPECT AS THE PISS BOTTLE DESPITE BEING A MAJOR PART OF MAKING IT THROUGH AN ALPINE NIGHT.

APOCRYPHAL CLIMBING LORE HAS IT THAT THERE’S ACTUALLY BEEN DEATHS ATTRIBUTED TO GOING OUTSIDE THE TENT FOR A PISS ON A GRIM NIGHT HIGH ON A ROUTE. WHO THAT WAS AND WHERE THAT WAS SEEMS NOT TO HAVE BEEN RECORDED, BUT IT’S NOT HARD TO SEE IT COULD HAPPEN. MORE REALISTICALLY THIS REVEALS THE ISSUES WITH TAKING A PISS ON A COLD ALPINE NIGHT; GETTING OUT OF YOUR BAG, UNZIPPING THE TENT TO LOSE HARD EARNED HEAT INTO THE ETHER, GETTING BOOTS ON, UPSETTING YOUR PARTNER, GOING OUT INTO THE COLD AND POSSIBLY DANGEROUS WORLD IN THE DARK THAT COULD INVOLVE CLIPPING IN, EXPOSING YOUR SELF AT THE COLDEST TIME THEN REVERSING IT ALL TO COME BACK IN. ABOVE 7000m THAT SCENARIO COULD BE A HALF HOUR EVENT.

BUT THEN THE SINGLE THING YOU CAN DO ON THE SUBJECT IS LAY ALL NIGHT WITH BLADDER FULL OF FLUID, WAITING FOR MORNING, PROBABLY NOT DRINKING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE. CONSIDER THE ENERGY NEEDED TO KEEP 1L OF WATER AT BODY TEMPERATURE THAT COULD BE BETTER SPENT ON RECOVERY ON TOP OF THE DISTURBED SLEEP AND USING A PISS BOTTLE MAKES EVEN MORE SENSE

PISSING IN A BOTTLE IS SO MUCH EASIER.

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THE BOTTLE

LIKE THE REST OF YOUR GEAR, THERE’S BETTER AND WORSE VERSIONS OF THE PISS BOTTLE AND SIMPLY GRABBING A COKE BOTTLE ON THE WAY OUT OF TOWN IS NO MORE THAN LAZY THINKING. THE BOXS A PISS BOTTLE NEEDS TO TICK ARE

• IT NEEDS TO BE BIG ENOUGH – NOTHING SMALLER THAN 1 LITER
• IT NEEDS THE RIGHT SIZED OPENING – NOT TOO SMALL, NOT TOO LARGE
• THEY NEED TO BE RIGID – FOR EASE OF USE AND IDEALLY FREESTANDING
• IT NEEDS BE EASY TO CARRY – IT PROBABLY WON’T MULTI-TASK FOR ANYTHING ELSE
• IT NEEDS TO BE DURABLE – NOTHING WORSE THAN A PISS BOTTLE WITH A LEAK
• IT NEEDS A SOLID LID – NOT AS VITAL AS MIGHT BE FIRST ASSUMED, SEE BELOW

FOR YEARS THE GO TO HAS BEEN THE TRUSTY NALGENE 1L BUT AS A LARGE CHUNK OF HARD PLASTIC WITH A LARGE OPENING THEY ARE ACTUALLY A POOR OPTION. EVEN WORSE IS THE COLLAPSIBLE NALGENE, A PRODUCT THAT NEVER FAILS TO LEAK AND REQUIRES A THIRD HAND TO USE FOR THE FUNCTION.

SODA BOTTLES ARE OUT BECAUSE OF THE SMALL OPENING, AS IS ANYTHING METAL IN THE COLD, AND BEYOND A SINGLE NIGHT SO ARE MILK CARTONS. THE LARGE ORANGE JUICE CONTAINERS WITH THE INTEGRATED HANDLE WORK WELL BUT DON’T CARRY TOO RELIABLY, MEANING WHEN IT COMES TO IT THERE’S NOT THAT MANY GOOD OPTIONS OUT THERE. EXCEPT ONE, THE TETRA TOP1L BOTTLE

THE TETRA TOP 1L COULD HAVE BEEN DESIGNED FOR THE PURPOSE BY ALPINISTS;

• 1L IS EASILY AVAILABLE AND THE PERFECT SIZE
• THE OPENING IS THE PERFECT SIZE
• IT’S VERY LIGHT
• IT FOLDS DOWN TO ALMOST NOTHING
• IT’S MOSTLY-RIGID FORM IS FREESTANDING
• WITH MINIMAL CARE ONE WILL LAST A SEASON
• THEY ARE CRAZY CHEAP
• THE SCREW ON LID IS WATER TIGHT
• THEY ARE EVEN BIODEGRADABLE

GONE ARE THE DAYS OF HAVING A BIG OLD NALGENE COVERED IN DUCT TAPE WITH A SKULL DRAWN ON IT. THE FUTURE OF PISS BOTTLES HAS NEVER BEEN SO CLEAR.

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PROTOCOL

MOST PEOPLE DON’T PRACTICE THEIR PISS BOTTLE TECHNIQUE, WHICH MEANS THEY LACK A SKILL THAT MAKES ALPINE NIGHTS MUCH HARDER THAN THEY NEED TO BE. WITH SOMETHING LIKE A NALGENE THE METHOD USUALLY IS TO SIT UP ON YOUR KNEES, FACING AWAY FOR DIGNITY, AND PISSING DOWNWARDS WHILST KEEPING ANY CLOTHING AND SLEEPING BAG OUT OF THE STREAM OR SPLASH ZONE. IT’S MUCH BETTER THAN GOING OUTSIDE OR INTO THE VESTIBULE, BUT DUE TO THE NALGENES DESIGN IT STILL NEEDS A DEGREE OF CARE AND WOULD BE FOOLHARDY TO TRY IN THE DARK OR A WILDLY BLUSTERING TENT.

THE TETRA TOP ON THE OTHER HAND CAN BE PISSED INTO WHILST STILL LAYING DOWN, WITH THE BOTTLE INSIDE THE SLEEPING BAG. THE TETRA TOP’S PERFECTLY SIZED OPENING MEANS THINGS FIT INSIDE BUT NOT WITH ENOUGH SPACE TO SPLASH OR SPILL. THE TETRA TOP’S SHAPE MEANS IT FILLS FROM A LONG VESSEL RATHER THAN A MORE SHALLOW ONE, MEANING THE ANGLE OF USE IS MUCH MORE SECURE. SIMPLY TURN ON YOUR SIDE, GET EVERYTHING LINED UP AND RELEASE.

THE REASON THE LID ISN’T THE #1 PRIORITY IS BECAUSE YOU DON’T KEEP THE PISS ONCE THE BOTTLES FULL. THE CHANCES OF NEEDING A SECOND PISS ARE LIKELY IF YOU ARE HYDRTING PROPERLY, AND IT’S IMPORTANT TO SEE THE COLOUR TO MONITOR WHAT STATE YOU’RE IN, SO DESPITE IDEAS ABOUT KEEPING IT TO USE AS SOME SORT OF HOT WATER BOTTLE THE PROTOCOL IS TO POUR IT OUTSIDE, NOT FLICKING THE CONTENTS WILDLY INTO THE WIND, BUT POURED IDEALLY DOWN A ROCK CRACK OR INTO A HOLE IN THE SNOW. THE ONLY REALISTIC REASON TO KEEP ANY PISS IS ON VERY POPULAR ROUTES WHERE ADDING MORE FROZEN URINE TO AN ALREADY FILTHY ROUTE ISN’T ACCEPTABLE, WHICH SHOULD INCLUDE PLACES LIKE EVEREST.

FOR THE LADIES THE ADDITION OF A SHE WEE HAS ELIMINATED THE DISPARITY WITH MEN, EVEN SURPASSING IT WITH A VERSION NOW AVAILABLE THAT SCREWS ONTO A REGULAR SODA BOTTLE.

OBVIOUSLY A CRAMPED BIVY WITH IT -20c OUTSIDE IS NOT THE IDEAL FIRST PLACE TO WORK THIS OUT, SO A FEW RUN THRUOUGHS AT HOME ARE A GOOD IDEA, STARTING IN THE BATHROOM OR ON THE LAWN, PROBABLY WITH NO ONE AROUND. BUT IT’S NOT ROCKET SURGERY EITHER AND ONCE SORTED GOES A LONG WAY TO MAKING YOUA BETTER TENT-MATE. WITH THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB, WHEN PROFICIENT IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE TO TAKE A PISS WHILE THE COFFEE BOILS, YOUR PARTNER NOT EVEN AWARE.